When You're Ready, Will I Still Be Here?
Timing has the ability to truly make or break a relationship. You have proven to be the ultimate proof of this truth. When you were ready, I was afraid. When I was ready, you were already gone. And now I am not so sure that I can count on you to ever come back.
Whenever I used to worry about our relationship, you would always reassure me that you would never break up with me. When you would be getting ready to leave again for one of your long trips, you were always so surprised by just how worried I was that you would never come back for me. I was always the one left behind waiting.
Waiting on you to call. Waiting on you to come home and remember that you loved me. I was always waiting on the version of you that I first fell in love with to come back to me. You always made sure that I never strayed too far from your grasp. You paid me just enough attention that I would never leave. Every time I thought I had finally had enough, you always managed to pull me back in.
I will never forget the day you told me that you wanted us to have a destination wedding. You knew that this little bit of hope you were throwing me would be enough to keep me around just a little bit longer. You knew that dangling the promise of a future together would keep me by your side while you were so far away from mine. And of course, I took the bait. I fell for your empty promises again and again and again. All I ever wanted was for you to actually care. But you were never ready to do so.
You had such a way with words that you were able to simultaneously pull me in and push me away. You always said the right thing at the right time to bring me some comfort, yet everything you said always left a hint of uncertainty behind. You might have promised me a destination wedding, but you also promised me that we wouldn’t be married until you decided that it was time. There would be no mutual decision about our future. You made it very clear that we would be living by your rules and fulfilling your dreams.
You wanted us to live together, but only in one of the cities you had chosen without me. You picked out your career while also trying to change mine. Once you decided that you wanted me, it was all over. My dreams, my career, everything I had ever wanted for myself would have to change in order to appease you. In order to fit into your life, I needed to extricate myself from mine. You always made so many plans for us, but you never stuck around long enough to see them through.
If you wanted us to live together, then why did you move so far away from me? If you wanted to get married, then why wouldn’t you make any effort to just talk to me? You can’t just absorb someone else into your life, ignore them, and then expect them to stick around forever. People are not souvenirs or trinkets that you can keep tucked away until you want them again. If you love someone, then you need to be there to love them. A long-distance relationship is not impossible for two people who actually love each other. But if the emotions are distant and the people are distant, what kind of love can there actually be? If one person gives everything while the other person just sits idly by, this is not a relationship. This is pain. This is longing. This is desperation for the one person you want more than anything to just remember that you exist. This is not love.
If you loved me, you wouldn’t spend so much time pretending like you didn’t. If you actually wanted to build a future with me, then we would be working on it together. If we were truly soulmates, then I wouldn’t have to spend so much time drowning in doubt.
If you weren’t ready for the life you dreamt of for us, then why did I have to be? Why was I forced to commit to a future I never truly believed in when you couldn’t see yourself there either? Why was I always in this relationship alone?
Maybe you got cold feet or your anxiety finally caught up with you. Maybe you realized that two people who don’t even know each other’s favorite colors have no business dreaming up their future wedding. Maybe you felt the distance growing between us long before you moved so far away. Maybe you were ready, and I was not. Maybe I never will be.
If this is how I feel now, what will our future be like? Will we be strangers sharing a home and trying to pretend like everything is okay? Will we be all forced smiles and desperate eyes, always searching every room for the nearest exit? Will we ever truly know what it means to love each other?
Maybe you don’t spend your time wondering about all of these things, but I do. You are living one part of your life while I am trapped in the other. And I can no longer promise you that I will still be here when you are finally ready to join me.
There is only so much one person can take before they close the door and walk away from someone forever.