If My Heartbreak Could Speak
Originally published on Thought Catalog.
I almost messaged you today to see how you were weathering this storm. Neither of us were prepared for it to end like it did, but the truth came raining down on us in tidal waves instead of raindrops. I waited and waited for the storm to clear, but then I realized that this was exactly what you wanted.
First, drown what we once had.
Then, cleanse this place of any remnants of us.
Finally, wash your hands clean of our love.
If my heartbreak could speak, it wouldn’t utter your typical “I miss yous.” No, it would tell you how every time I read Edgar Allan Poe, I think of you and wonder if he is still your favorite. And then I sit and wish that it were me.
My heartbreak would laugh and tell you how I can still hear the silly way you read me poetry on our last night at the ballet. And then my heartbreak would start to cry and tell you how I threw out the program from that night, and yet somehow that poem inside of it still haunts me. I never realized how much about us was actually sweet poetry.
My heartbreak would tell you how it is still really hard for me to eat avocados without feeling sad because you are the one who taught me how to find the very best one on our very last night together. And that is a lesson that I know I will never forget because, so far, you really have been the very best one.
I had a dream about you last week where after all of these years, we finally forgave each other. I almost reached out to tell you how I dreamt that I flew to wherever it is in the world that you are living right now just so that we could make things right. But just like in real life, you were not there. The only traces of you left behind were the words “make amends with her” hastily written in your planner. As if I was just another event to schedule into your life or another item to check off of your to do list.
I know that I think about you way more than I should. I know that I should not still want someone who hurt me in the ways that you did, but my heartbreak tricks me into thinking that you are all I need.
See, my heartbreak knows when I am most vulnerable. And since you have always had such a talent for seeking out the vulnerable, it always knows to call out to you.
My heartbreak would scream to you that I am confused. How can I be searching for ways to contact you one minute, and then looking for ways to heal from the pain you caused me the next? It is like half of me knows that you are toxic, but the other half is still stuck believing that you are the cure for all of my pain. And it is in those moments that if my heartbreak could speak, it would tell you that I have searched for your profile more times than I can even count, but each time I think that I am ready to reach out to you, I have been too afraid to speak.
These five years of silence have been deafening. My heartbreak has never stopped screaming your name. It doesn’t always curse you or wish that we had never met. Some days, it remembers the bookstore in Chicago, while others, it only remembers the pain.
If my heartbreak could speak, I would let it, because I don’t think I will ever be able to again. I want to know how you are doing now and if you ever think of me. I want to tell you that I am sorry for becoming just another part of your pain when all I ever wanted was to be a part of your every day.
I want so badly to make everything between us better, but my heartbreak reminds me that just because I want something doesn’t mean that it is what is best for me. Trying to bring someone back into your life who willingly walked away is like trying to convince a fire that all it really needs to burn brightly is the rain.
If my heartbreak could speak, it would tell you that I am finally learning how to be at peace with the fact that things between us will never be the same. I am finally learning how not to return to the people and the places that only seek to cause me pain.