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A Letter From My Broken Heart On your Birthday

Originally published on Thought Catalog.

Happy Birthday.

I remember this time last year I thought about reaching out to tell you, but was worried you would think it was weird that I remembered when your birthday was. You told me all about it on our first and only date at this point, and I know I will never forget it. But this year, I know that I can’t tell you. You have made sure of it.

The weather is starting to change here; I’m sure you don’t miss that part of Chicago. I hope it’s nice to have a birthday full of sunshine instead of one with a chance of snow. I hope things have been nothing but sunshine for you since you left this place. You may not think I want that for you, but I do.

I have done a good job of leaving you alone, but the other day, I admit that I tried to reach out to you. I knew I probably wouldn’t get a response, but everything we had was started by taking a chance, so I thought maybe the odds would be in my favor again.

They were not.

And I think I truly understand now that they never will be again.

I remember when you told me about this birthday song you were going to sing to me on my next birthday, and all I could think of when I read that text was how I knew we probably wouldn’t even be talking by then.

I always knew our time together was fleeting. We were just biding our time until the hourglass ran out. Maybe someone could have flipped it over and given us more time; or maybe someone already did, and I got you for longer than either of us ever intended.

I just wish you would have told me this is what you wanted. I just wish we could have talked about everything instead of doing our best to erase the memories that just won’t leave. You never should have told me I would always have a home wherever you were if you knew that wasn’t what you wanted.

I know the truth hurts, but finding out the hard way is devastating. It wouldn’t have been easy to tell me that you didn’t want to be in my life anymore, but I will tell you what wasn’t any easier: realizing that you had done everything you could to assure that I could never be in your life again. We can’t talk, we can’t see each other. We will never know the lives each of us will end up living.

And I am okay with that. Honestly I am. Because the one thing worse than knowing you can’t be with someone you care about is watching them live the life you always wanted with them with someone else. I know you made the right decision, but what led you there, I will never know.

I will never know how your residency goes or if you even continue on that path. We will never see each other move on with our lives and find our paths. I think no matter how much time passes, there will always be a small part of me wishing our paths could cross again.

I finally deleted your number and our photo together, and now you can truly live in peace knowing that I no longer have any way to reach you. The only way we can be in each other’s lives again is if you choose it. And I have already spent so much time wishing that you would choose me that this time, it has to be up to you.

I feel like things have always really been left up to you. You made the choice to come after me. You planned our first date. And you chose to tell me that you were back in my city. I spent every day walking on eggshells, praying that you wouldn’t disappear again. I truly learned the value of each moment we are given, and from you, I began to see just how important it is to live in the moment and actually be present in your own life. I have never spent so little time with someone and had it mean so much to me.

You will always mean so much to me.

I don’t hate you, and I don’t think I ever will. What hurts me though is knowing that I will never know how you feel and felt towards me. I am at a point where I think you either hate me, or you are too in love with me to still have me in your life.

I know you, whether or not you accept that as a fact, but I do. I don’t think you will ever speak to me again. I think you are doing your best to pretend like I never existed. I don’t want your time in Chicago to have ended like this. I don’t want to ruin your perception of this city.

You found a lot of good here but also so much hurt. This city can be cruel and colder than anyone could ever be prepared for. I tried to show you a brighter side of it all, but I don’t think I was enough to save you. I shouldn’t have tried to save you. You are meant to be free, and I hope you get to spend the rest of your days doing exactly as you please. I hope you become the type of teacher you wish you had. I hope you never give up on your music. And I hope you get to travel and fall in love, even if it isn’t with me.

I hope you don’t look at us as a waste of your time, but I am so sorry if you do.

I don’t regret the moment I waved at you, but maybe, you do.

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