This Is Me Taking My Mornings Back

Originally published on She Rose Revolution.

I remember when six a.m. used to be about drinking coffee and beginning my day. Now, six a.m. is riddled with memories I wish I could forget.

A sleepless night next to you, because I am filled with regret.

A sleepless night filled with nightmares signalling to me that this time, it really is the end.

A sleepless night next to you, because I still cannot feel comfortable with you close to me.

A morning I never want to end because deep down I know I will never share this bed with you again.

A night from hell filled with flashbacks of you and him, and everyone else in between.

A morning where I almost give up on chasing sleep, because it hasn’t been doing me much good anyway.

The morning when I finally decide that enough is enough.

I want my mornings to be filled with coffee and poetry and all of the things that make me, me. I have forgotten what it is like to drink a cup of coffee without feeling like I am suffocating or drowning in it. I have forgotten what it is like to let its warmth slowly wash over me and soothe my pains.

I feel like I have forgotten what it’s like to just breathe.

I watch the sunrise as I sit on the edge of my bed, wearing nothing but my sensitive skin. I no longer radiate with the same joy as that sun. I am so envious of her energy and her light. I, too, want to rise each day with such hope and determination. I, too, want to understand that each day will always end, but those endings will always lead to new beginnings. I, too, want to recognise that a few hours of darkness do not mean that I will never shine again. I want to spread her same hope that if you just hold on, there will always be a chance for a brighter, better tomorrow.

The sun is not broken just because she is not able to spread her light some days.

And neither are you.

It’s time to wake up now, and take your life back. All of the people who have hurt you so deeply have been sleeping soundly for all of these years; while you have been drowning in your own personal waking nightmare. But this doesn’t have to be your life anymore.

It’s time to wake up now, and reclaim your mornings. It’s time to remember what it feels like to watch the sunrise before you knew the cruelty of what an early morning could bring. It’s time to remember how much goodness an early morning can give you. You just have to let yourself wait for the light.

You have to promise yourself that you will no longer lose sleep over the ones who have never lost sleep over you. You have to forgive yourself for treating yourself as though you deserve anything less than the best, because of someone else’s abuse. You deserve to reclaim your joy, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to someone else. You are not living your life for someone else. So please, do not let them decide what is allowed to make you happy, and what is not.

You were someone before you met these hurtful people. The person you were before the abuse and the pain and the hurt is not gone forever. She may be lost, but she can always be found.

Maybe you will find her at the end of a good book, or a strong cup of coffee, or in the last line of a poem you have written. Wherever she is, just know that she is still out there, waiting for you to return to yourself.

It is never too late to find yourself.